Last week I bit the bullet and entered myself and Skye into a local show. It shouldn’t really have been that much of a shock seeing as I keep mentioning to anyone who will listen that I really want to start getting out and about more and start competing. And I’ve been saying this since our very first ride together. Seven years ago. But for some reason I’ve never managed to do it. I’ve thrown myself into the preparation, set goals, and wishes and hopes and dreams, but I’ve never actually managed to commit and register for a class.
Every time I get so far and then find some excuse as to why we can’t. ‘She’s just not ready’, ‘I’m too busy’, ‘The weather’s been awful.’ Skye and I are both sensitive beings, and I think I’ve wrapped her up in too much cottonwool her entire life, always expecting her to be too explosive, or too much, when really the opposite is true. Yes she can be a little spicy sometimes, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. And I’ve proved that time and time again so I’m not sure where my hesitation stems from.
Registering for those two classes filled me with utter terror. You know, that sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, your mouth getting all dry and claggy, your heart pounding in your chest. I felt my reaction was completely unreasonable and reflecting on it now, I realise it’s not really the show that I’m scared of. I’m actually really looking forward to getting all dressed up, spending time getting Skye ready to strut her stuff and having a lovely horsey day out with my friends.
What I’m scared of most is failure, and not being in control. I have this innate need to be good at all the things, even though in reality this isn’t feasible in the slightest. In all likelihood it stems from my ‘not good enough’ limiting belief. Something that crops up time and time again, whether it’s feeling like an imposter at work, or hopelessly comparing myself to the hundreds of talented writers here, and feeling like my space just isn’t good enough. That I’m not good enough as writer to make it work.
It’s something that comes up with my therapist a lot, and despite all of her lovely compliments and reassurances, sometimes I still feel like a fraud.
And it’s no different when it comes to my biggest passion. I tell myself I’m not good enough for Skye, that I’m holding her back, that she’d be better off without me. It makes me feel sad to see those words on the page. It’s painful and raw and cruel once they are out of my head and visible and I wonder why I berate myself (and my poor pony) so often. But it’s a difficult cycle to break, and I’ll struggle to really believe anyone who tells me different.
My friend recently said to me, “She’s way better than you give her credit for, same goes for you. You’re far too hard on yourself”. And she’s right. But I don’t know how to be any other way. I don’t know why I feel the need to beat myself up constantly over every little thing, always striving for perfection and always feeling unfulfilled because I can never reach the pinnacle that I’ve set for myself. I’ve put myself on this pedestal, miles and miles high and I’m too scared, or perhaps too proud to let myself stumble and fall.
I’m telling myself that this small local, no pressure show will be good for me, good for us, and it will. And I know I’ll enjoy it and be proud of myself for doing it but I need to learn to put my inner critic on ice. To stop saying such horrible things to myself and believe in what I can do, and that all starts with feeling that fear and saying yes anyway. Committing to it and doing my best, taking the pressure off and having fun regardless of the outcome. It’s a daunting task, but it’s a task I know I can accomplish. And who knows, maybe this is going to become our new thing.
Currently
Reading
This post by
really resonated with me, and I’ve come back to it many times.“And maybe, I will no longer feel like I am failing in this life simply because I haven’t reached something that wasn’t ever reachable in the first place.”
Watching
We’ve recently started watching Justified: City Primeval. We were both huge fans of the original Justified series, and I am completely in love with Timothy Olyphant so I was thrilled to see this new mini series as a new release. It’s not quite the original but I’m excited to see where it goes.
Also this… What a dance!
Listening to
Interesting interviews on Diary of a CEO. I’ve been filling my new commonplace book with notes.
Loving
Sunning myself in the conservatory. Getting things ready for our first show. Cosy autumn recipes. Days for rest. Collecting conkers. Treating myself to the cosiest jumper. Having a solid workout week and feeling fit and strong. Getting back to jumping with Skye.