I’ve found myself in an odd place recently. Somewhere between halfway to moving and the new life that awaits us when we do. The last couple of weeks have been difficult as I grapple with a change in routine, being sick and tired, and tired of being sick and tired, whilst also sitting with all the simmering of promise and the new. And there’s a lot of that around at the moment. Hello Aries New Moon. This week I haven’t really known which way is up. I’ve somewhat enjoyed embracing my inner hermit as I now have no reason to leave the house until the weekends, and I enjoyed it at first. But now I feel myself starting to fall into a progressive slump. I haven’t worked out in two weeks. I haven’t ridden in two weeks. My daily vitamins ran out and I haven’t bothered to order more.
I’m starting to feel slow and sluggish nearly every day. Every day the feeling of some chasmic hollow in my chest. Unmotivated, becoming quick to bite. I do not like this place. But right now it feels necessary. Because this life of mine, this part of me is dying. This is the culmination of my wintering. All of that growth hidden beneath dormancy ready to burst into new life in my Spring.
I am a patient person. But even the most patient of people grow tired of waiting. And I know that this is the hardest part. It’s going to get worse before it gets better, and I know that when we finally move, things aren’t just miraculously going to get better the second we unpack all of our possessions. It may feel like a minor relief, but that’s when the work really begins, and this period of wintering is helping me to prepare for what’s to come.
I am feeling so fragile recently. And fighting the opposition between needing to get out of this funk and just wanting to wallow deeper and deeper. Wallowing is winning out and I’m pleased. It’s high time that I actually let myself wallow. To feel sad without really knowing why, to embrace having little to no energy and not worry about trying to pep myself up. This is an unwinding. An unlearning. An unbecoming in a way. I speak a lot of becoming myself again, but so far I feel I have been spending more time going backwards and deconstructing than moving towards becoming.
But in writing that, and seeing the words fresh on the page, I realise that to become me again, I must strip it all away. All the walls I’ve built, all the coping mechanisms that help me ignore, deflect and bury the things I don’t want to deal with. I haven’t known who I am for so long, and now that I’m unlearning and undoing and beginning to catch mere glimmers of that beautifully raw and naked soul, it’s frightening, and exciting, and frightening again.
Perhaps being in limbo isn’t such a bad thing after all. Perhaps it allows us to really look inside without distraction and the noise of the world. It’s uncomfortable yes. But as I reflect now, before every great leap forward I’ve been stuck in this place. I have been here before, sometimes I have been at my very lowest in this place. But you can’t grow by standing still. Growth is messy and it’s painful and hard. But ultimately, being in this place, being uncomfortable and being vulnerable is the smallest price to pay for the wonderful things that lie ahead. Those things, are worth everything.
Currently…
Reading
Recently I’ve been exploring my oracle and tarot decks and it’s high past time I started recording my readings and started a daily(ish) practice.
I also really enjoyed this post from
. I'm a Pisces Sun and Moon and I am really feeling all the feelings and everything's upside down and inside out and back to front.Watching
I watched nearly an entire season’s worth of The Piano at my parents house and loved it.
Listening to
Absolutely nothing, and I need to do something about it.
Loving
Living slowly. Days spent with a best friend. Sometimes you just need pie and mash and the best company and all is right with the world. Rain. My beautiful new Oak, Ash and Thorn tarot deck. Productive rest.