The last couple of weeks have been tough. A culmination of many things all at once, and honestly, I didn’t give myself enough time to rest and process. In fact, I didn’t even realise what the problem was until I was talking about my persistent low mood with my counsellor on Wednesday.
Normally I’m so good at getting out of feeling like rubbish by falling back on all the things that make me feel good. The most like myself. Only this time they weren’t working and I was getting more and more frustrated with myself. More and more angry that what I was doing wasn’t enough. I was hampered by my healing gum from my tooth extraction the previous week and had resolved not to push myself by taking the week off from my workout programme. But I know that exercising makes me feel good and I was feeling annoyed that I couldn’t do it. In hindsight, maybe I should just have gone for a walk instead, or did some stretchy yoga. Anything to move my body softly, gently.
It all came to a bit of a head on Tuesday. I had been talking to myself positively all day. “I’m going to have a good day today.” “I get to ride after work, and I’m looking forward to it.” “I’m having a really productive day at work.” And it sort of helped. I did have a good, productive day and I left the house after work really looking forward to being able to ride whilst there was still some daylight left. But as soon as I got on and Skye and I started making our way around the school it all came crashing down. I went so inside myself I left her completely. Severing our connection but still asking her to keep going. It’s no wonder she was cross with me. The whole thing felt wrong and I was fighting myself, trying my best not to fall apart.
By Wednesday I was just about ready to crack. And I did. Probably not as much as I could have or should have done but I was still desperately trying to hold everything together. You can’t lose your shit in front of other people, even if they’re there to hold you. Something I’ve carried with me for most of my life, and I can’t even really remember what it was that caused to me shut it all down and hold it all in.
I got through it and we talking about it. I mentioned in my last letter that when things get tough, I check out. But I haven’t really realised the extent of it until now. It’s a complete disassociation from my body. I thought perhaps I just had a high tolerance to pain, which is why my healing gum didn’t hurt so badly, but no. It did hurt, and it woke me up in the middle of the night and I felt all of that. I seem to disassociate from my body. I’m still here, but barely. One foot in this world and the other somewhere else. I deflect the things I don’t want to deal with by taking on the pain and suffering of others. Being strong for them and holding them until they don’t need me to anymore.
We do that for the people we love. Right?
I just don’t know how to feel. To sit with and honour all my emotions, even the sad and angry ones. I’ll feel them briefly, but the second I do, I’ll be working to move them along as quickly as I can. Getting back to a state of apathy. Not feeling anything too intensely. And perhaps that’s why, when I get into those states, they tend to stick around. Resistance always leads to things dragging on longer than they need to.
In opening up to the beauty within yourself and your circumstances, you also open up to change. What we accept can change most easily, it is when we resist or deny that change slows down and suffering persists. - From the Sacred Rebels Oracle guidebook by Alana Fairchild.
This quote came from the card my wonderful counsellor pulled for me. The whole thing was perfect and I have been re-reading the guidance often. And clearly I wasn’t taking it in, because when it came to my own daily card pull. Well, I got the exact same card, and I’m listening now. I promise.
So, my next challenge is to sit with my emotions again. All of them. And when I feel low, I must be kind to myself and do things for me. Even if that is crashing out on the sofa and eating a whole load of chocolate. Or wrapping myself up in my comfiest clothes and blankets, or even going to sleep for a bit. I must remember to be gentle with myself. Because for all the internal work I’m doing. For all the revelations and spiritual happenings, which I am so grateful for. I am still human. And there’s no escaping or ‘high vibing’ your way out of being human.
But it’s also a lesson in acceptance. Accepting and honouring where I am every day. Rather than getting my head down and carrying on regardless. I am living a good life, it doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been difficult and painful at times. I have been through a lot and I’m carrying a whole load of trauma, and the sooner I acknowledge that and hold and nurture myself, the more I will grow. But it’s frightening and uncomfortable and so far out of my own comfort zone. But I know I have the strength to face it now.
Questions to ponder this week…
What do you do to be kind to yourself?
Are you comfortable feeling all of your emotions?
Which emotions do you shy away from and why?
How can you practice sitting with your emotions?
Currently…
Reading
Still making my way through Priestess of the White, but I’ve also been catching up with all of my favourite Substacks.
Watching
I started watching Happy Valley from the start.. and, well it’s a bit grim isn’t it! Tom came home last Thursday so we’ve been catching up on a few things and have recently started the second series of Vikings: Valhalla. For someone who’s turned into a bit of a wimp and doesn’t like watching horrible things, I sure seem to be consuming a lot of gnarly content.
Listening to
My intuition more and more. It’s becoming stronger by the day and I’m loving being so in tune with myself. If only I could extend that to actually listening to myself and doing what’s best…
Loving
All the wonderful woo moments I’ve been having recently. Seeing owls and deer and foxes. Good hacks with friends. Getting pizza delivered for pizza Friday. Carrot and coriander soup and olive ciabatta rolls.