I have struggled to know what to write recently. Everything has been a bit… well, blah. The growing pains are starting to kick in. I’m not sleeping very well, I have no energy. I want to stay in, but I’m also desperate to get out. I can’t help but wonder if there’s something bigger going on. Something that perhaps I’ve been ignoring in favour of staying safely tucked away, and surely I can’t be the only one feeling suddenly so overwhelmed by it all.
I’ve been embracing hermit mode a lot more over the last couple of weeks. But it doesn’t feel cosy in the way that I want it to. And it doesn’t really feel much like that turbulent anxiousness of not wanting to be outside either. I guess I just feel partly like my shell is too tight, and partly that actually it’s too big and there’s almost too much room to grow into. Almost like I have one foot in my old life, and the other firmly in the new and they’re being pulled further and further apart. Eventually I’m just going to have to close my eyes and jump. Or, risk the fall into the in-between.
I have been dealing with so much change, and now I feel as if the seasons are starting to change too. Ever so subtly. The days are starting to get shorter. Summer is slipping towards autumn, and I’m not ready. I don’t feel like I’ve really experienced the summer yet. It’s not the same when you live alone. My routines no longer feel like they fit. I’ve tried to get back into my workout regime, back to riding more often and my body is telling me it’s too soon. Too soon, or perhaps the way I was doing things before is not the way I should be doing things now.
It’s frightening being asked to let go. To start anew, and step into a new life. And I’ll be honest, I think I must have been fighting tooth and nail for things to stay as they were. But I’m tired now, and I can’t keep fighting any longer. I think that’s maybe why everything has felt so off the last couple of weeks. Slowly feeling more and more uncomfortable until it’s at the point where I can’t ignore it any longer. I must be the one to jump, otherwise that choice will be taken from me.
But that space between leaving my own shell and finding a new one will undoubtably leave me feeling vulnerable and raw. All of my soft and fragile pieces exposed.
It’s only temporary. It’s only temporary. It’s only temporary.
Currently
Reading
I finally got round to updating my Kindle so I’m now reading From Blood and Ash on the commute into London. I feel like this one is going to be a slow burn.
Watching
Recently I’ve been catching up with all my favourite vloggers, and I love Hannah’s new project, ‘Becoming her’. Very on brand, and once I’ve got myself out of this little patch of friction, I’ll be joining in!
Listening to
This song popped up on my playlist recently and I am obsessed. It’s my new favourite feel-good driving song.
Loving
Sunday roasts. 0% sparkling rosé. Garlic potatoes. Scones with cream and jam (not all of my highlights have been food-based…) Being brave and doing a few little jumps with Skye. That feeling of pure satisfaction when you put together IKEA furniture perfectly the first time.
Change is exciting, face your fear and watch it's power dissipate ❤️