My wisdom tooth came out on Thursday. And, as I’m sure you’re all aware, I was absolutely dreading it. Terrified. Having nightmares and that awful feeling where your stomach drops and your heart stops. Just briefly, though. Until you forget, and then remember again. But at some point I made peace with it, and I was reluctantly looking forward in some way to conquering a fear I’ve had since childhood.
I’ve always been determined, and if I’ve said I’m going to do something, you can bet your butt that it’ll happen. So I decided that I was going to confront this scary thing head on and embody my word of the year. Surrender. I wasn’t in there for very long. Probably about 45 minutes all told. And the procedure was pretty straight forward. I couldn’t feel a thing. I relaxed into it and focused on my breath. Telling myself it’s ok over and over. And adding words of encouragement. ‘You can do it. You’re doing it, you’re surrendering. And it’s not that bad really, is it?’
I felt it go, two of the roots shorn off, but the dentist wasn’t concerned. I wasn’t concerned. My apathy towards anything medical had kicked in good and proper and I was just fine. Other than feeling a little sorry for myself, a little tender. A little raw. I wanted to carry on as normal, and I did. Going back to work, taking some painkillers and just carrying on. Trying to eat was interesting and I quickly became frustrated that I could only eat soft foods. Dinner that evening was a mound of mashed potato and a few pieces of ravioli. Testing the waters to see if I could handle anything that required a small amount of chewing. The very next day I was tucking into pizza. Our weekly Friday ritual.
I realised yesterday that I’ve not been in my body since having that tooth removed. Something I’ve now realised I do every time something is difficult or traumatic. A coping mechanism of checking out when I don’t want to be present. It’s a strange feeling being inside this vessel but not really feeling anything. Not really driving it. The lights are on, flickering. But no-ones home. I’m going through the motions. Life on auto-pilot. But the connection I’ve come to know and crave is gone.
I was feeling proud of myself for not needing any more painkillers a mere day after the procedure. But I suppose if you’re not really here, there’s nothing to feel. I realised all of this yesterday evening whilst attempting to cook dinner. I must have been starting to come back to myself. I was trying to de-seed a butternut squash, normally a fairly simple task, but every time I went to scoop out the seeds and flesh, they went everywhere. Catapulted across the worktop, all over the floor. I tried to pick them up and failed miserably. My fingers failing to get any purchase. Now I know they’re slippery by nature but I was furious with myself. Why on earth couldn’t I pick up these damn seeds that had fallen on the floor. Why did I keep dropping them? Why weren’t they going where I wanted them to.
Suddenly I felt so pathetic. I wanted to cry. I wanted to have a tantrum and launch those butternut squash seeds to the moon and storm out of the kitchen in a huff. Leaving Tom to clean up the aftermath. My skin felt uncomfortable. Like it didn’t fit properly. My hair was annoying me by not staying behind my ears where I’d put it. Over and over again. I was getting hot. I couldn’t roll my sleeves up. I couldn’t pull my sleeves down. By this point I was raging.
But I got through it. As I always do. Recognising that I was coming back to myself. I was starting to feel again. The anaesthetic was wearing off and I was feeling prickly. Just feeling, again. I’m mostly back to myself now. And I know that my mission now is to get better at recognising when I’ve checked out, and learn the best ways to bring myself back. But this means doing more scary things. Putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. I think I’m ready now. I know I can do scary things. I’ve done them, and I’ve come out the other side. The lesson now, is learning to embrace the aftermath.
Questions to ponder this week…
Do you check out when things get difficult?
How do you know?
What does it feel like to come back to yourself?
When was the last time you did something that frightened you?
Currently…
Reading
I’ve recently started reading Priestess of the White by Trudi Canavan. I’ve really been enjoying fantasy novels and have racked up quite a collection. Next up is The Priory of the Orange Tree. A book that’s been sat on my TBR list for a long time. Tom actually surprised me with this book after my dentist appointment. Gosh I love him. Honestly, get yourself someone who buys you books when you’re not feeling 100%!
Watching
I’ve almost finished Series 3 of His Dark Materials. I came back to the books in the last couple of years. They’re very different when you read them as an adult! I love the series, though, and as you might expect, I bawled my eyes out at that bit, just as I did when I read it in the book.
Listening to
This beautiful piece of music, which was played at my Great Aunt’s funeral service. I closed my eyes and felt it. And I’ll come back to this piece over and over again.
Loving
This glorious sunshine. The first sightings of spring. Good hacks with good friends. Window shopping for things for the new house. Turmeric tea. Lighter mornings and lighter evenings.