TW: This letter contains reference to themes of abuse.
I’ve never really been able to relate to the word triggered, or all those warnings you get when someone shares something that’s unpleasant or upsetting. I think maybe that’s just my brain’s way of protecting me from re-living things. Re-living periods of trauma. And it’s been working pretty well. Maybe I’ve just been in denial, but more likely I’ve just buried all of those awful things, filed them away in nice neat boxes and put a load of red tape around them. Signs all around saying “Do not enter”.
But then I started watching the third series of Happy Valley. And it all came back. I’ve felt many different emotions since, and I’ve been sitting with them, exploring the feeling, even though it’s uncomfortable at best, and damn right painful otherwise. I’ve gone through the initial shock, fear, grief and then anger. Watching those scenes, with that couple, feeling my whole body clench and tighten. Bracing. Shutting down. Shutting it out.
Firstly I was angry with myself. How could I have let that happen. Why didn’t I see it for what it was. But the truth is, you just don’t. I was barely 19, and he was six years older. Maybe I should have known better. But I have to always, always remind myself that none of this was my fault.
And then I was angry with my friends, why didn’t they tell me? The sad truth is, that they did and I was in too deep to pay any attention. I had to see it for what it was myself, even though it took nearly six years.
I’ve been sitting with all of these emotions for a few days now. Working things through. Journalling it out. I’ve been dreaming more. Dreams that aren’t particularly pleasant. Likely the consequence of watching and re-living such awful things. I barely remember my dreams usually, unless they’re nightmares. Most of the time, these dreams feature me running or at least trying to get away, being chased, being attacked, fighting back. Fighting for survival. I wake up in a sweat, my heart pounding. But they’re still there, playing out in my mind as I regain consciousness. And they stay with me. All day.
Perhaps this is my way of making sense of things. Perhaps it’s deeper than that. I’ve buried a lot of things and it’ll take time to dig them out and pull them to the surface.
I hadn’t planned to write about this today. I thought it might be a little too dark for a sunny Sunday. But this is what wanted to come out, so I’m surrendering and going with it. I know you may be questioning why on earth I’d want to share all of this so publicly. But if it helps even one person then it’s worth it. If it gets people talking and asking questions, then it’s worth it. People don’t talk enough. We shy away from the uncomfortable things. Me especially. And I’ve had a lifetime of hiding and deflecting uncomfortable things. I’ve always been open. I probably overshare. But to be genuine and true to ourselves we can’t gloss over the things we don’t like. Our stories, our experiences, good or bad are what make us who we are. So this is me, trying to be all of me.
And in some ways, as I write, I’m working it all out too. Discovering new things about myself I hadn’t known before. Gaining more understanding, more respect, showing myself more love and more kindness. Feeling vulnerable, but feeling strong. Feeling courageous. Feeling uncomfortable but feeling brave. Feeling and embracing just being in all the beautiful and beautifully challenging ways it means to be human.
Currently…
Reading
I loved this post from
. I'm tired too and I'm learning how to listen and rest more. Doing things that help to fill my cup and leaving the rest.Watching
Only two more episodes of Happy Valley and then I’m going to find something less abrasive, promise! Maybe Emily in Paris? Is that any good? I need Netflix to recommend me some nicer shows!
Listening to
I actually listened to this a couple of weeks ago but I keep coming back to it. I had planned to talk about morning routines today, but well, here we are. Ella’s chat with Jake Humphrey is definitely worth a listen.
Loving
Spending time organising all my stationery and shamelessly realising I could quite literally open a small shop. Stormy weather followed by clear blue sunny skies. Feeling more comfortable feeling uncomfortable. An energising week of workouts and that sort of satisfying moment when you can’t walk down, or up the stairs.