I have always been a perfectionist. All or nothing, in everything I am and everything I do. I think it must have been drummed into me from an early age. If you’re not going to do something properly, then there’s no point in doing it at all. And my perfectionism has served me well so far. I got good grades at school and I’m lucky to have a good career as a result. I stick to things and see them through to the end. I go all in on new passions and projects, throwing myself into things with everything I have.
But sometimes my perfectionism acts like a vice. Crippling me and preventing me from doing the things I love to do. Because if I can’t do it perfectly, or be perfect in those moments, then I won’t do it at all. That smug ‘you’re not good enough’ goblin sits there with its arms folded across its chest, a derisory gaze down from a chin just tilted upwards. “I told you so.”
Recently, I noticed that the good side of my perfectionism; that part of me that allows me to throw myself into something, heart, body and soul had become tainted. Toxic. My perfectionism had begun to court obsession.
I had been reading and following the principles in Jessie Inchauspé’s book, Glucose Revolution: The Life-Changing Power of Balancing Your Blood Sugar. I’m very into health, wellness and biohacking, trying things out, making tweaks and learning what works for me and my body so that I can always feel my best. What I’ve since realised, is that by putting so much work into feeling my best, I’ve just shifted my ‘I don’t want to deal with things’ thing into another facet of my life. If I eat well, and exercise, and get that endorphin high, then actually I can ignore all the other stuff. And it does help… To a point.
Prevention is most certainly better than cure, but when you’ve been burying things for as long as I have, it’s so hard to just be, and to let these things come to the surface. If I feel a little low, or have been ruminating on something difficult, rather than sitting with it and letting those emotions flow through me, I do something else. Anything to avoid having to feel.
And during the stress of selling our house and moving back home, I found that actually I’d become so intent on just filling that void with exercise and walking and eating well to avoid feeling it all out, and letting myself get frustrated and upset. I followed the guidance in the book, but seemed to entirely miss the point about it actually being just guidance. Diligently eating a load of salad before my main meal, to the point that all the carbs that I love so much started to disappear from my meals. Deciding that I needed to go out for a long walk after work because despite my 40 minute workout at 6am, I’d only managed about 1500 steps that day and that couldn’t be good for me.
Now I’m definitely not saying that doing all of these things is a bad thing. I pride myself on living well, keeping active and staying healthy. But I’d forgotten about balance. I was firmly on the keep pushing until you fall apart train, which I so often default to when I’m struggling. Or avoiding.
And it caught up with me in a big way. I was exhausted, I lost weight, and I certainly wasn’t getting anywhere with my training, and then that stopped too because I couldn’t maintain my perfect 4-day a week, get up and sweat at 6am routine. I was removing all the things I love, one by one, because I just couldn’t show up and do them perfectly.
Now that I’ve moved, I’ve been allowing myself the time to get settled and take things slowly, because things are different now. This is a new chapter because there’s no room to bring the old one with me, and honestly, I don’t want to. In this chapter I’m learning about balance, and trying things without needing to do them perfectly. And letting myself rest, and stop halfway through. Or stop altogether. And all of that is ok. I’ll always be a perfectionist, but I’m learning to work with it and not let it take over or control me.
I’m interested in learning how you deal with perfectionism and balance, please let me know how you navigate getting stuck on things, or just not being able to start at all!
Currently
Reading
I’ve started the next book in the Kingkiller Chronicles by Patrick Rothfuss, but I’m still trying to decide on my next Kindle read. It’s likely to be From Blood and Ash by Jennifer L. Armentrout, or something else by Sarah J. Maas. I seem to be very into fantasy right now.
Watching
Catching up on Who do you think you are. I’m not watching very much on TV right now, because the room where the TV lives, is no way near as comfortable and cosy as the rest of the house. I’m trying to work out how I can make that space more inviting so I’m drawn to spending more time there.
Listening to
I don’t have a clue what’s going on in the video, but I love the song!
Loving
Sitting behind Skye’s ears again. Walking to the yard. Heavy rain on the conservatory roof. Eating too many biscuits. Reconnecting with old friends. Feeling like I’m ready to start putting myself out there again. The sound of wind chimes.