I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I created my Substack account and started tentatively sharing little parts and pieces of my life with you. I love spending time here and really enjoy sitting down to write to you every Sunday.
This week has felt fairly tumultuous. I reconnected with my very first boyfriend out of the blue and it has brought a lot of things up to the surface. Things that perhaps I didn’t really realise I’d buried. We were half the age we are now, still children really as we worked to work out the world together. Seeing and revisiting all of that through adult eyes has been challenging and really upsetting. But it can’t have been accidental, and I’m grateful for the time and the wisdom I have now to work through these things and heal from them.
I don’t know about you but I have been feeling uncomfortable this week. All those little niggles and annoyances have been amplified. All those things that have never quite fit just right but I’ve been content to soldier on with are now too tight and too loud to carry on ignoring. My career being one, and I think perhaps I just briefly touched burnout with both hands this week. That long realisation that I don’t think I want to do this anymore. It’s been sitting there in the back of my mind for a long time and so far I’ve been happy to ignore it, but it’s starting to shout just a little too loudly now. I’ve got as far as I want to go and now I’m impatiently waiting for the next thing. But I don’t know what that is. Well, I do. I want to be a writer, I want to write, and write, and help people in the process.
But I don’t know how, other than showing up here as often as I dare and pushing myself to be more visible in the hope that someone out there resonates with what I have to say. It’s scary. Being vulnerable and sharing things into the void, trusting that someone will be there somewhere to catch them. To catch me.
It’s hard to break out and break away from the status quo, especially when you don’t know which way you’re going. But I’ve been reaching out for directions and trusting that I’ll be given them at just the right time. I haven’t been sleeping well for some time now, I have no idea why. I feel restless, and I keep waking up as if I’ve been running away from something. I’m hot and clammy and I know I must have been thrashing around. Something is not right somewhere but I just don’t know what it is, or how to resolve it. I’m trying to listen but I’m struggling to hear anything at all. All I can do now is ride it out and hope I get some clarity soon.
Tom will be home in a little over a month and I just know that that will be the time that everything starts sliding into place. I just have to do my best to be patient for just a little while longer. I am not good at waiting for things to come to me, preferring instead to reach out and grasp whatever it is that I want with both hands. But I can’t do that this time, and I know this is all part of my learning and needing to let go, and leave things alone. There is a time and a place for me to get involved, and this isn’t one of those. It’s a hard pill to swallow but I’m doing my best. And at the end of the day, that’s all we really need to do.
Currently
Reading
I loved this post from
. All it seems to do here is rain and this was the perfect reminder to see the beauty in the rainfall as well as those beautiful sunny summer days.Watching
Sweet Magnolias is back! Oh how I long to have good friends and a community as wonderful as their’s. I know it’s out there for me somewhere, I just need to be brave enough to get out there and find it.
Listening to
Yesterday I had the best time cleaning the house and dancing around to all of Taylor Swift’s classics.
Loving
Long evenings at the yard. Cosying up in front of the TV. Taking Tom’s car out for a spin in the countryside. Seeing the harvest come in. Sunday morning rides. Days to rest and replenish. Unpacking the last of the cardboard boxes and feeling that everything is just a little more put together.
I'm so glad you enjoyed that piece Izzy, thank you for sharing it here. I do hope you find your direction soon, but awareness of something not being right is usually where the whole shift begins, I'm sure the path will unfold for you. 🤍
Self awareness, not everything involves is. Knowing to move through intuition. From inner knowing ❤️