This week has been a real struggle, emotionally, mentally and also physically. My mind, body and soul are just so tired. I’m still struggling with my sleep and as well as yowling cats, a hot room and dealing with the lack of white noise, I now also have a hooting owl to contend with. And all of this is going on whilst my brain is trying to do backflips instead of winding down for sleep. Everything in my life right now has fallen off the wagon in a big way and I’m exhausted.
It’s time to hit the reset button and start to make my way back to where I was before I fell down and start getting back to me. It’s time to try some new things rather than falling back into my old and stuffy routines. This past week has been a week of moping around feeling sorry for myself, and probably eating too much spaghetti. It hasn’t been a place that I’ve enjoyed being in, despite it being wholly necessary. A reminder that yes I am allowed to feel like this, and it’s ok.
So now I need to pick myself back up again, and an early morning ride in the sunshine with a friend and a good gallop to blow the cobwebs away was definitely the push I needed. I don’t think the weather has helped either. The lack of good sunshine and warmth compounding against a depressive episode is never a good combination. I have felt a little trapped at home recently, but with no motivation to go any further than up to the yard to see Skye after work so, this week I’m going to try getting up and going straight outside for a walk. I want to bring some exercise back in again, and perhaps that’s better placed before lunch to get some movement back into my body after a morning sat at my desk.
I must remember to be gentle with myself and take things slowly and softly. Even my Mum has noticed I have been pushing too hard, and her words “you don’t always have to be superwoman, you know” are a stark reminder that perhaps it’s time to ease up a little. But it is oh so difficult and so uncomfortable and perhaps I’ve been doing it so long now that I just don’t know how to stop and just be still anymore. Perhaps that guilt will always be there. Perhaps that feeling of restlessness will persist no matter what I do. But I can learn to live with it, and quietly put it to one side, if only for the briefest of moments to pause and catch my breath.
Tom will be home soon, 28 days to go. Not that I’m counting. I know that I can hold on for just a little while longer, but during that time I’ll be doing my best to get back to it, back to feeling more like myself. Re-tethering, re-grounding and tending to myself with love and softness. I am not often kind to myself, but it is time that I cared for myself in the ways I care for the people I love the most. It is time that I became one of those people I love the most.
Currently
Reading
I have been enjoying reading in the evenings after dinner and am still slowly making my way through The Wise Man’s Fear. It is taking a long time because I have really been struggling to sit still, always finding other things to do so any time spent reading has been sporadic and short.
Watching
I finished Sweet Magnolias and cried my way through the last few episodes… and now I’m on the hunt for other shows to fall in love with. Please send me your suggestions!
Listening to
(Or at least trying to…) People telling me to slow down. I have also been enjoying listening to the Diary of a CEO.
Loving
Spaghetti. Feeling cosy at home when it’s pouring with rain. Watching the big horse chestnut tree at the end of the garden change so subtly with the seasons. Mars bars. Being a tourist with my parents. Feeling the fog starting to lift when the sun comes out.
So much beauty here. We learn as we push past our limits. Push hard then step back. Know that you are always safe, as long as you are breathing there is more good than bad, or better yet get out of the good and bad and transcend in deep silence. You know deep inside you how to manage and go about your journey. You are committed to superwoman and also to self care and nourishment. You are rebirthing day by day, leveling up in understanding and capability to be & to love.
Thank you for this piece, sharing a slice of your beautiful life 🫶
"Everything in my life right now has fallen off the wagon in a big way and I’m exhausted." Just wanted to say that I'm feeling this in a big way right now too. And I'm just trying to pick myself back up each day and continue on as best I can. 🤍 Thank you for your honest words here.