The eye of the storm
Cherishing those moments of calm in the chaos.
Hello Friends!
I’m back, and I’m poorly sick, but normal service is almost resumed. Last weekend was busy, but I got everything done that I needed to and Skye’s move to her new home went faultlessly. But I’m really paying for it now. We dropped her off last Sunday after our last lesson with our wonderful instructor. I’m really hoping it was a ‘see you soon’ rather than a ‘goodbye’. Skye loaded and travelled perfectly and walked off the lorry to her new home as if she really belonged there. It felt like she was coming home. In the same way it feels like I’m coming home.
We headed over to the new, old house, had some lunch and I crashed. Oh boy did I crash. I was exhausted, emotional, and starting to feel a little worse for wear. I was vulnerable, physically, emotionally and mentally, and I had to let people take care of me. I wanted to go back to see her, but we still had my birthday dinner to get through and then a long drive home. I wanted to keep going. To do all these things myself, but this time I listened. And this time it felt like I could let other people look after me with ease. This time I didn’t feel the resistance, or the pull to keep pushing through. To keep being strong. The stiff upper lip. This time I surrendered to being vulnerable in front of the people I care about, and I let them carry me.
The cold kicked in quickly after I’d stopped, as they always do. And this time I listened. This time I slowed down. I chose to eat the things I wanted to eat to make me feel better, I let Tom drive us home, in my car. I chose to have a week off working out. I chose to not leave the house when it was cold and snowing outside. I chose to take proper breaks at work, and I let myself live slowly and softly without guilt. Without the need to keep going, pushing it all out of the way to keep stubbornly marching on.
This week I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm. And I think it might last for several weeks. It’s looking like we might end up moving in April, much later than anticipated. Much later than I would like knowing I can’t see Skye after work. But it’s ok. And perhaps this was how it was always going to work out. Creating space for things to settle. There’s more chaos to come of course, and it feels like the storm is raging all around, but I feel protected, sheltered, and I hope it lasts. Oh I hope it lasts.
Currently…
Reading
I’ve started The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon, which I’m absolutely loving. I love to get lost in these worlds of dragons and magic and legacy. I’ve also ordered a couple of books in French. A classic, and a collection of easy short stories for beginners to ease myself in.
Watching
When Tom’s here we watch all sorts, Vikings: Valhalla, The Mandalorian, Big Sky, National Geographic documentaries about the Titanic and Drive to Survive. When I’m home alone, it’s Emily in Paris all night long (until I go to bed at 9:30…). Sometimes I catch myself sitting there with the biggest grin, or doing my best loud “HA!” when I find something hilarious, or sobbing because it’s sad. It’s a rollercoaster and I’m loving every second. J’adore l’amour.
I’ve also been trawling YouTube for inspiration for setting up my new extension planner. - Tom bought me this beautiful leather planner cover for my birthday.. (actually he managed to buy two but that’s a story for another day) and it’s going to hold all my personal development, spiritual stuff and what I need to do to achieve my goals this year.
Listening to
I haven’t been listening to much in all honesty. Less driving, means less music. But, as Tom was driving us home we listened to the entire S&M album by Metallica and the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra. (I was fairly out of it by this point).
Loving
Getting to stay inside when it’s snowing outside. All the wonderful updates I get about Skye. Olive bread. Soup for the soul. My ‘Biff’ of a boyfriend (his words, not mine) for making my birthday so wonderful, despite the fact I’d pretty much written it off as a do-all-the-things day. All the love I’ve received from friends and family. Taking things slowly… for once.